Some things called “furniture” don’t even deserve to be called trash. They’re tacky, unsightly, and sometimes dangerous objects which may be cheap, but they’re also very nasty. The fact is that some types of outdoor furniture are more likely to be making demands on your public liability insurance than providing comfort, and you really must avoid them. Sitting around on your own home patio shouldn’t be a life-threatening experience, either.
Trash, defined
If you’ve ever had the sad experience of owning something called an “outdoor furniture suite” which has degenerated into something looking like “LEGO’s funniest home videos”, you’ll know the problem. The “plastic fantastic” soon reduces to “plastic drastic”, a mess of untrustworthy bits and pieces. This is also a reliable source of embarrassment, as well as discomfort.
Then there’s the Rust ‘n Tat R Us version, almost supernaturally lousy alloy furniture, or perhaps recycled baked bean cans, with seats on it using what appear to be third rate old fabrics from un-discriminating reject sales. This is also a nice way of humiliating yourself and these wonders of the 50s can be acquired from good, if psychotic, junk dealers at remarkably high prices.
A bit of effort can find you some really dangerous furniture in the form of fold away chairs and tables which can injure children and old folks, slice skin and fail to function correctly simultaneously. The theory at the moment is that this sort of furniture is built as some sort of therapy for the manufacturers.
The best generic description of this appalling load of inferior rubbish is “Buy a lawsuit you can sit on”, and avoiding it should be considered a democratic right, as well as a way of personal survival. There’s nothing cheap about this trash except the theory.
Good quality outdoor furniture
The basic demands for outdoor furniture could be understood by a well-informed grade school kid, if not by some “furniture” manufacturers/breeders:
• Materials which can take outdoor temperatures and climate. This means basically wood or cane. Some high quality modern metals are OK, but there are possible issues, see “Long life” below.
• Comfort: Fun as anatomical injuries are, you should be able to sit in a piece of furniture without feeling threatened.
• Stability: If it moves around when you’re sitting in it, it’s dangerous. It can affect posture, and if you’re really looking for a slipped disk, this is how to get one. Get something that can take your weight, no doubts at all.
• Long life: Again, this mainly means wood and cane. Covered or laminated steel will deteriorate if the laminates are damaged, which they usually are. Real steel will last, so will modern aluminium frames, but the stresses over long periods of time are sometimes too much. The long life does offset the original outlay, and the wood and cane can be repaired economically, unlike the others.
The aesthetics
Verandas, patios and porches are often favorite family places and entertainment areas. The outdoor furniture needs to be the sort of homely comfort to match the environment.
Be fussy, be picky and above all don’t buy the trash. The message needs to be sent to get that garbage off the market. The world and your insurance will be much safer.
